Ive felt so depressed. Honestly my anixtey hasnt came out in a while….I just need to stop talking down to myself a try harder. I dont know if i want to leave washington. I am so lost as it is i feel like i wont be able to settle in, happily. i really want to be with Lauren but i cant force myself to give up on me to help her. My head isnt healthy either. I would be happy to live with her but being so far away from everything i need to help me is also not good for me because its important. I need to lose weight and keep going to therapy but a new doctor. I really need a job too, responsablitly and being wanted and trusted is what i need to stable my thoughts. I cant talk to anyone. when i do they get mad that i cant snap out of it. Like there is something wrong with me. I cant help these feelings i have i can control my thoughts but those things are completely different. I dont feel like i should tell anyone about my suicdial actions and thoughts and my drinking issues. Like people dont care to care. When i do find the strenght they get mad or dont respond… and i am still lost in the dark, just mad at myself that i tried to talk. Like i needed you guys to be there and make sure im okay. I can barely help myself anymore. I have no will power to do anything. Just sleep and workout. No one sees this dark side, but i am too scared to trust anyone.
I hate watching the months go by and nothing is getting better for me. Life really chewed me and spit me out. I just dont know how to do this guys. Im sorry i couldnt figure it out as fast as i should have. I hate being in peoples way and them being disappointed in me. If i knew how to fix me i would have a long time ago. But all i know how is to hide alot of abusive memories is with brooze and drugs. I wish i could have done something with my life, im only 21…im sorry i couldnt do enough.
Mother do you think theyll drop the bomb. Mother do you think theyll like this song…..